I’m struggling with a concept right now that I think is a really big deal in my personal growth path.

The basis of the issue started with a situation in which I felt totally humiliated, I felt very angry, but was also trying to hide this fact because of what was just said to me.  The words were (and yes, I am leaving OUT as much detail as possible because you don’t need the dirty laundry, you just need the washer) to the effect of “I don’t like how you make me feel when you are upset”.  It was worded differently, but that was the crux of it.  It was also “You act badly when you are upset.”  Combine those two meanings and you will understand what/how I interpreted as being said to me.

I do know that it wasn’t intended to hurt me, nor was it said maliciously.

So, here I am last night, very angry.  But, because of the sentiment, trying hard to fake it, and pretend I wasn’t angry and hurt because I love the person who said it to me deeply.

I also have a fear relating to this person that I realized only today that I have, I am afraid of losing this person, i.e. of them rejecting me, more than anyone else in the world.  I feel like I could lose almost anyone, and be ok, come out on the other side, but with this person, I am afraid of total collapse, of making a mistake too big to be forgiven, and this person leaving me.

I’m not afraid to be alone.  There’s a difference. But I know there would never be a real recovery from THIS love, and I would spend my time in sadness.  Probably unable to move forward because there really isn’t anyone like this person out there.

Anyway, that’s not my point,

I started out with intense anger, but shame – wanting to hide it.  And then I moved to sadness and the feeling of humiliation.  Humiliation is very strong reaction in me, but the only person that can humiliate me is the person who said the words to me.  The only person who can humiliate me is one I love as intensely as I love this person.

At this point as well, I wanted to punish this person for humiliating me, even though I love them so well.  I wanted revenge, but not dramatic revenge.  I wanted him to feel what I was feeling, but yet grappling with the part of me that is still trying to hide it whether now its because the person wants me to, (or at least in my interpretation) or because I am ashamed of both my anger and my humiliation.  I mean what the fuck, how can you be so deeply humiliated by something and then ON TOP OF that have room to be ashamed of your feelings of humiliation??

And there is a voice in my head telling me to STOP.  STOP. LET GO.  What about your personal growth and “enlightenment”?  What about the person you WANT TO BE?

So I am wallowing in shame and black feelings on one hand, and trying to counter that with who I want to be, that better woman, that calm and serene woman, that one who never gets PISSED OFF.  Who never sounds the fool in front of people or reacts like an ass.

Yes, this is who I want to be but its not who I AM.  I am a struggling, quivering mass of fire and electric and music, a mouth that shouldn’t open half the time, a constant flow of negative feelings and anger, frustration, vengeance, selfishness, lies, and anxiousness.

Trying to fake it is being false, right?  And the anxiety?  Cripples me at times.  Sometimes I take a bath so I can cry by myself, or I get in the car to be alone.  But every time I can I cover it up, I do.  Or I try to.

I don’t lie well, but I think I am fucking excellent at putting on a facade for everyone who does not live inside my body.  I have CONSTANT pain.  No day am I free.  Every day I am anxious and having panic attacks.  But I pretend I’m not.  I’m insecure and I feel stupid – but I won’t ever tell you that – I will pretend that I am just as smart as I used to be if you accuse me of being stupid.  And if you live outside my home, you will never EVER see any of this, I guarantee you.  Unless you’re my mom lol.  But yes, I present that face even for my mom, because I am ASHAMED (again) of …. feeling badly?  I guess.

I see, then, the ambiguity between BOTH enlightenment, and being GENUINE.

Can you BE genuine – no facade, no mask – AND be on a path to enlightenment?

At first I thought – no, you can’t.  Because if you are genuine, you will hang your emotions’ ass out to the world for them to see.  You can’t fake it, you have to allow it to happen.

But that’s not peace – in fact it seems quite the opposite.  You never heard of Buddha breaking out his staff and beating the living shit out of someone because he was having a bad day.  People who are enlightened don’t commit crimes.

People who ARE. TRULY. ENLIGHTENED.

But do you personally know anyone who is?  I do – in my experienced, someone like Mary Morrissey or Bob Proctor are about as close to enlightenment as you can get on this plane, and yes, I do know them both I used to work with Mary.  And, if people were as real as they pretend to be on Facebook, I would know a shit ton of enlightened people, but somehow I juuuust don’t think that’s true.

My point is – using Buddha as an example – Buddha represents real enlightenment (to me).  Not people – enlightenment seems just a step above humanity, and human achievement today.

And Buddha was not stuffing his emotions back down his gullet, choking on them on the way.  If what was said to me was said to Buddha, all of that processing would happen instantaneously.  The things that I have walked through in the last 22 hours probably would be so habitual to him now that he … wouldn’t notice or simply IS beyond that.

So I am NOT enlightened.

I don’t have to be able to do that yet.

Maybe emotions themselves are not genuine?  They may be masks for other things.  I’ve heard it said that all emotion has root in 1 of two concepts – love, or fear.  Everything can be boiled down to those two things.  And maybe, it’s true.

Maybe it’s true.  Anger – why are you ANGRY?  I was angry because I felt humiliated.  But isn’t shame a self generated emotion?  Yes, it is.  So feeling angry for feeling shame means I must dig deeper.

Shame is self generated, so the one making me feel shame is ME.  So if I am the one doing that, why don’t I just STOP doing it?

Because, I think, I feel some satisfaction in it, I get a reward – because I can pretend that the person MADE me feel this – that the person is RESPONSIBLE for this feeling.  But no, the person is not responsible, I AM.  I MADE IT.

Then I need to stop it.  I need to figure out how to close the valve to the fire-hose.  It doesn’t WANT to go, in fact, its pretty fucking confident that its not going to be rooted out, like that damn octopus-like alien thing in “Life”.

But, as I like (I KID I KID!) to say to my children, “I brought you into this world, I can take you OUT”.  So now, I have to do that, and I think it makes me more willing to try because I hate it’s smug face.

After the shame is gone, what’s left?

My own responsibility for my actions.  An understanding, I think, that I have along way to go to be who I want, but if I don’t take responsibility and TRY, and power through these things and face them head on, I’ll never get there.

But then I think that the more I do that, the faster I will … come as close as I can – my best – to enlightenment.

So in my post toward the beginning, I said, “the only person that can humiliate me is the person who said the words to me.”  But now I know that that it’s not true – the only person who can humiliate me is me, I generate the feeling.  That’s doesn’t mean I’ll nail it every time, but I will begin trying.